Mind of Adrian (Drag: A Conversation, cont'd)

 Disclaimer: this is a personal conversation in the sense that it's about my own thoughts and experiences. I am not speaking on behalf of anyone or anyone else's experiences. I'm not trying to pose as a trans person. I'm not speaking from authority or from any kind of time-tested opinion, but I am speaking from an informed perspective and from a thorough examination of (again) my own experience. Read with a pinch of salt and an open mind. If you don't already understand a fair amount about queer gender, this isn't the best place to start.

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  Any more Adrian experimentation?
  

  
  

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  Mentally more than practically, since what I sent you above. Was interesting. Four main realizations have come of it:
  

  Firstly, that I'm more queer than I am gay, and that I'm more gay than I'm attracted to women. Because I randomly start becoming vaguely attracted to men when thinking as Adrian (which hasn't happened substantially for quite some time), but - and here's the weird part - I lose most of my attraction to the same person if I can switch back over to Marie Perspective quick enough before the person's gone. And it's not just that I can't see myself with them because it'd be straight... it's largely because I actually don't find them as attractive. It's suuuper weird and nothing I've learned about sexuality suggests that this should be possible, so I'm very intrigued.

  Secondly, that I'm much more secure about my girliness when I'm adventuring in - dabbling in - transfaggotry. (That phrase kept getting stuck in my head. I feel like it describes pretty well what we're doing.) The extent to which I've been self-conscious about both presentational femininity and secondary sex characteristic femininity since puberty-ish makes so much more sense in so many ways when I think of myself as a male-gendered person that's naturally "feminine" in a lot of ways. I thought at first that I was more feminine as Adrian, but it's not that I'm any more or less feminine as a guy... I'm just more confident about what femininity I do have, and it stands out more in a male identity.

  Thirdly, the above brings up another weird thing I've encountered that runs contrary to everything I've ever been taught or learned, though this is about gender. My gender identity is much more fluid than my gender expression. I feel comfortable in a fairly particular array of outfits, hairstyles, jewelries, and gendered activities, and none of those things change depending on whether I'm thinking as Adrian or Marie. Even if I end up looking what might be read as pretty "gay" (skinny jeans, rings, long hair, feminine-leaning mannerisms), I feel as comfortable that way as I do as a similarly-gendered woman. But evidently, I can feel perfectly male and perfectly female and both feel validating and correct. I haven't pulled off anything nonbinary yet - not sure if it exists in me.

  And lastly, I've been interested to find that my sex identity seems to change with my gender identity, but I have about the same relationship to my body regardless of gender. It all feels male when I'm thinking of myself as a man-ish person (as genderqueer or transgender people describe it, my boobs are just man boobs, my face's just an unusually bald guy's face, etc.) and it all feels female when I'm thinking of myself as a woman-ish person (my hands are just a little more masculine than normal and my limbs are a bit less shaved than normal). But the parts Marie does and doesn't like are the same parts Adrian does and doesn't like.

  How have you encountered these things? I'd love to hear you unpack your experience in these terms.